The Jokes Page

If you have a joke that you would like to share with us please email to jokes@curlew.co.uk and we will give you credit and a link to your web site if you want one!

Doctor doctor sometimes I feel like a teepee and sometimes I feel like a marquee.
well your just too tents!

Tom Holly Helen Robin

Why did the ladybird put holes in umbrella?

Because he wanted to see when it had stoped raining!

By my daughter Katie

Call canter conversations

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through
to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.

Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down".

Ben from the gliding pages

The following jokes are from Robin from http://www.everything-but-the-food.co.uk/

A blond goes to the doctor and says

"Doctor it hurts when I poke my leg, it hurts when I poke my stomach and it
hurts when I poke my cheek"

Doctor "You've broken your finger"

*********************

Lorry pulls up traffic lights. A car pulls along side, blond winds down
window and calls to driver.

"Excuse me but You are loosing your load"

Driver ignores her and drives off. At the next set of lights the blond calls
out again

"Excuse me but perhaps you didn't hear me you are loosing your load"

Driver scowls at her then drives on. At the next set of lights she calls out
again. Driver stares at her then says "lady this is a gritting lorry.

Aparantly a freind of mine (Helen from http://www.everything-but-the-food.co.uk/) think the below are funny. Please email her to tell her they are not!

Spring CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY OCTOBER 24th

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks,! Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places!
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.



If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.


First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.


So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband
gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on
the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?

That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus . so shut the hell up."

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply
addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear
God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the
money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on
the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets
and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official franked
Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed
to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around
while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for
me?
Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself
with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
B@stards at the Post Office."

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The
first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a
huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he
beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best
pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions
will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he
is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to
the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls
the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the
bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he
knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions
eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says, "What's the food like here?"
The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and
chimps with mushy bees."
www.annies-emporium.co.uk
http://stores.ebay.co.uk/Annies-Emporium_W0QQsspagenameZMEQ3aFQ3aSTQQtZkm

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At The end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who have no sign of obvious injury. He goes to examine the first man that he sees, and the man proclaims:

"Fair fa your honest, sonsie face, Great Chieftan of the Pudding race! A Boon them a ye tak your place. Painch, tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy of a grace as langs my arm."

A little taken aback by the exchange the doctor goes to see the next patient. Almost as soon as he arrives at the side of the bed the patient immediately launches into:

Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the lord be thankit.

Well mutters the doctor to his Scottish colleague, I see you saved the psychiatric ward to last ,"Nay Nay" the Scottish doctor corrected hem. This is the Serious Burns Unit http://www.hubbards.co.nz/

An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."

A man goes to the toy shop to buy his daughter a birthday present.
Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get her so he asks
for some assistance from the shop assistant.

"I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should I get?"

"Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have the Malibu
Barbie for £12.00, which comes with a bathing suit and a towel. We have
the Ballerina Barbie for £23.00, which comes with a tutu and a cassette.
We have the Aerobics Barbie for £30.00, which comes with a leotard and
a workout CD. And we have the new Divorce, Barbie for £1500.00."

The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much more
than the others?"

"Oh well that's easy.", replied the assistant , "This Barbie comes with Ken's
car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..." (for Mr. Watson)

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's work for dole scheme and employ unemployable Scousers. The decision to hire them was bought on by a recent documentary on how Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in under 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move by Ferrari Management as races are won and lost in the pits and Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Scouse pit crew able to change tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 4 bottles of Stella, a gram of speed and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower.

A mature woman was at home happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you
have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the
matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I
don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year
old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied (Sharon)

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a France rugby shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing England shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Frog from the water. Then using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the French and the English, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

One hour later another boat came along, but the man said "No the Lord will save me"

Eventually, a helicopter arrived but the man insisted, "The Lord will save Me"

Unfortunately the man drowned and at the gates of heaven he asked St. Peter "Wy didn't the Lord save me?"

And St. Peter replied "for crying out loud, he sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?!" (for Gill, Katie and Charlotte)

(Let me say that I truly admire engineers... I think they are one of the few
professions like bus drivers and nurses that do
ACTUAL IMPORTANT WORK in our society.
Without them, we'd be studying
Art and English Lit shivering around a campfire)

*************** Comprehending Engineers - Take One ***************

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one
said, "Where did you get that great titanium bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

************* Comprehending Engineers - Take Two *************

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

************* Comprehending Engineers-Take Three *************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?
We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from
a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything
he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

The engineer's terms
Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)
A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: " £60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted
so much last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000...
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking
at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Joke donated by Peter Miller from www.eventplus.co.uk

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up.

Young Johnny had been blind since birth. His mother had always explained to him that it was God's will and must be accepted. One Sunday, Johnny's mom came home from church and told Johnny that she'd had a conversation with God and He agreed that it was time to let Johnny see. "He said if you'll pray real hard and fast every day this week, next Sunday you'll be able to see. Young John hardly ate a bite that week and spent his every waking hour praying and waiting for Sunday. By Saturday night he was weak from hunger and exhausted from praying and he dropped off to sleep in great anticipation of morning. Johnny woke to the sound of church bells on the soft Spring morning. He lay with his eyes closed for several minutes to savor the coming event. Slowly, he opened his eyes, and to his great dismay, realized he was still blind. "Mom!" the lad yelled, "I still can't see." His mother, touching the boy's head softly, said, "Yes, I know Johnny, April Fool!" -

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces. (for Gill)

Two blonds stop for their lunch break, both get out their lunch boxes.
Blond 1: I'm starving
Blond 2: I can help. If you can guess how many sandwiches are in my lunch box I will give them to you,both of them.
(Barbara Easte - Cotswold Marquees )

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."
"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew." (Tim)

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued the
tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonnald's for making
them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonnald's, or the tobacco companies?"

The man says,

"Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept with." (Sharon )

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it. (Graham Tracey www.tables4sale.com)

There was a plane on its way to Melbourne, Australia. On this plane was a blonde woman who although she had an Economy Class ticket rather fancied travelling First Class. So she picked up her hand luggage and went and found a seat in First Class and settled herself down for the journey. The chief stewardess saw her move and went to check her ticket and said "I'm sorry madam you cant sit in this seat seat with this ticket. " But the woman said " I'm blonde, I'm gorgeous and I'm going to Melbourne in this seat" The stewardess, rather exasperated, went to the pilot and told him what had happened. The co-pilot with a wink said "let me talk to her, I'll make her move" so he went up and said what the stewadess had said. But the woman said "I'm blonde, I'm gorgeous and I'm going to Melbourne in this seat". So the co-pilot went back and reported that the woman still would not move. "what should we do" he said.
The pilot then said "let me have one last attempt at getting her to move" .So he went up to the woman, whispered something in her ear. She immediately said "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise" and got up and went back to Economy class.
The co-pilot and stewardess were amazed and asked the pilot what he had said. "oh, it was easy" he replied, "I just told her that First Class didn't go to Melbourne !! " (Gill)

Paddy's day jokes (a day late!)As donated by Graham Tracey (Specialised Panel Products Ltd- The best plywood importers in the UK Tel 0151 9240777)

Irishman 1: "you know, for a year there, I couldn't walk at all?"

Irishman 2: "jeez croist, why not?"

Irishman 1: " I was too young"

2 rishmen in a bi-plane one asks the other 'if we do a loop the loop do you think we will fall out?'

The other replies 'No, we'll still be best of friends'!!!

2 Irishmen in bed, one says to the other "sod this wife swapping lark!"

A man hired a Kerryman as an assistant to take phone calls. One day the phone rang and when the Kerryman answered he hung up immediately.

"Who was that?" asked his boss.

"Some fool saying it was a long distance from New York. I told him everybody knew that."

Say it aloud:
A man goes to the doctor and says
"Doc, I'm having trouble with my hearing"
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor
"A yellow cartoon tv family, why do you ask?"

(Tim Gordon)

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic, and then its ventolin.

There were two nuns walking down the street when a streaker ran past. One nun had a stroke, whilst the other could not reach.(By Jill)

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had mis-dialed. "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." A pause.

"Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to haveto put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside. "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

If you phoned a drug dealer would his anwer machine message go - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people n my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu...But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

"I AM, therefore I think." Isn't that putting Descartes before the horse?

Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila.

Contrary to popular belief, life has been pretty tough for Riley for the last few years

A teacher was explaining how a double negative, when spoken, always gives a positive. 'This,' he said, 'is true in every language across the world. However, there is no example in any culture where a double positive gives a negative!' Looking proud, the teacher sits down, and there's a short silence, followed by a sarcastic voice: 'Yeah, right.'

'Dumb blonde' is a peroxymoron.

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans (C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Last night I dreamt I had written 'Lord Of The Rings'. This morning I realised I'd just been Tolkein in my sleep.

I read recipes like I read science fiction; I get to the end and think, 'That'll never happen.'

I think you should know that if I win this prize my girl has promised to be completely submissive for one night. Don't let me down please - our car needs a really good clean.

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? And do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I looked up the word 'paranoid' in the dictionary. It said 'what do you want to know for?' Interestingly, I couldn't find the word 'camouflage' anywhere...

A Freudian slip occurs when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Sex is the most intimate, beautiful and natural experience that money can buy.

As soon as the currency changeover is complete the phrase "spending a penny" will be replaced by "Euronating"

Two aerials fall in love get married the ceremony was a disaster but the reception was brilliant.

I want to die in my sleep like my granddad not screeming in terror like his passengers

Men who have pierced body parts are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewellery.

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